my crap….izzit?

This evening my sister,anas and me were watching a very innocent Indonesian film. About a girl named Rena,Hamadi, and Om Yugda, I don’t know the title. Just check out the intisari rancangan, RTM 1, around 2pm till 4.30pm if I’m not mistaken.

Innocent kids, beautiful countryside, green paddy field, well, pretty much like my childhood days. Last night mom kemaskan almari, jadi semua simpanan buku dan kertas yang mengunung banyaknya bersepah atas lantai. Then I spotted my form 4 history file. So I sat there and explored for more. I found almost everything!

My autograph book masa tengah primary school dekat Saint Nicholas Convent. That time, whenever people gave you autograph book, you will wrote things like ‘forget me not’, ‘you are so lucky’ ‘friends forever’, then  hobby ; collecting stamps, singing, reading, and bla bla bla ! Not to forget, about ‘senyum dulu baru buka’.

Ala you know, when you fold the edge of the page jadi bentuk segi tiga kecil dan tulis benda macam ‘happy always’ and you will decorate it as creative as you can, but people usually warnakan bahagian tepi,lepas tu rub it with your thumb so that we will have the shading result.   

Then I found my test pad and some papers masa tengah lower form in Convent. My oh my, I wrote almost about everything. What happened today, how I feel, the note-of-rage, the tati-ganbate-notes , ha ha ha. Great! Now I know how do I do back then masa 11.3.2003. Ah and there were beginner sketches also. From anime to landscape, most of it was anime, I’m telling you its ugly, but when I was in form 3, I think those were my best artwork!

My examination question papers, answer papers, marks, essay, resume, folio, and more artwork! I found the whole file loaded with paintings! (My art teacher in MRSM, Miss Julianahasnizah was a witch! She made us spent our precious time for art more then for add math but I really love her!) Consist of artwork using all kind of media, pencil, charcoal, water colour, Soft pastel, oil paint, crayon, and ‘lino’. Oh dan juga lukisan bertajuk ‘kampung nelayan’ for my SPM. Im so happy! Wink!

Diari yang ditulis pada waktu awal tahun sahaja, debate flash card,journal, article, buku nota, handouts, lyrics (use to wrote it pada suatu masa dahulu…) keratan akhbar pasal astronomi (dulu masa darjah 6,teringin nak kerja dengan NASA) dan yang lain tu semua moms book.

How time flies…

Some people come to our lives and quickly go,

some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our heart

And we will never be the same

Tanya Cuva

But Allah is always there with you eh?

That will never change…

Good evening. What a day…last night I have the worst headache, maybe due to the improper sleep the night before. Why?

1. I was traveling from kota baru to alor star at night, where the bus stopped at almost every district in the state (ok not all, but most of it) and they kept on turning the lights on.

2. Since it was about 10.00 at night and I will only be arriving at 5.oo in the morning, means… pada saat  malam yang amat gelap gelita dan sunyi aku masih berada di luar rumah…he he he

3. There is no highway from kelantan to alor star, so we have to use jalan lama dan melalui gerik,jeli,dan jalan raya yang amat bengkang bengkok dan  dikelilingi hutan yang betul betul hutan.

4. Actually what im trying to say is due to both condition dekat number 2 and 3, I was thinking, if I stay awake like the driver ,sepanjang perjalanan, you know…maybe kalau nasib baik or maybe ‘nasib tak baik’ , boleh la witness you know… those ‘thing’…It seems like cool thou.

And that’s why I didn’t get proper sleep. (I did not plan to sleep, but bila dah nak dekat sampai, tertidur pula…)

Hasilnya kecewa dan pening kepala.

P/s = nothing weird happened, just smooth journey back home. Sigh… oops mistake, Allhamdullilah.   

Today,in a car,on the way nak pergi tempah baju (mom was driving of course) I don’t remember macam mana this topic come out, but we were talking about jodoh.

Mom :bla bla bla ….Jodoh tu kena cari.

Me  : so ma,kena ke ada boyfriend nie? .

Mom : kena la,sekarang bukan macam dulu,orang datang minang dekat rumah.

Me : then,tati kena ada boyfriend la? But ma…

Mom :ha ha ha..kawan ma,kawin dah 3 anak then…bla bla bla

Later, amik anan from school, we talk about hot.fm issue this morning about

the girls nowdays ‘gatal’ equal to the guys VS the guys ‘gatal’ than the girls.

The responds was quite surprising for me. You know I been living in my world and people around me live in a world well, quite the same as mine, so it is very interesting knowing about others world and their experience thou. So we were discussing about it …

Me : what la that girl, dah tau suka dekat orang lain then apsal she get married ngan   husband dia?

Mom : ala perempuan tu nak seronok ja.cinta dia kat suami dia ja,tapi ya la tak cukup satu.

Family living room.eating cucur cempedak( cempedak kak Ai Ling bagi. Man her son was so kawaii!) and watching ‘beauty secret from the east’. They feature about a spa somewhere in

Bali

.

Me: one day I will have this whole-day-spa-treatment la

Sist : ah macam orang yang nak kawin

kan

, they do all this…

Me : ah a

Sist : ishyy tak sabar nak kawin

Me : hang nak kawin sebab tu je ke?

In bloddy-red-but-nice bedroom.

funny…

just now my sist who was planning to sleep early today ( which until now she still doesn’t show any sign to sleep) tiba-tiba menyanyi

sayangku aku merindui mu..

bila kita boleh kawin..la la la

ha ha ha ha!

   

It is funny how a trisomy 21 child can make your day. Walking forward and ask you to dance with him, thou he doesn’t really know how to move and all, but the effort was there. How cute! That is the major different between him with other so-called macho guy I know. See thru; that what he is.    

As a normal human beings, we tend to think about the consequent of our action, the pro and cons. what will they think about me? Will they like it? Will I embarrass myself? Im not saying it is bad or what so ever, we need it very much indeed. But sometime wouldn’t it be good if we just let loose for while? Make fun of ourselves.

Oh I miss my childhood moments. If I didn’t leave the comfort zone of mine, I will never go anywhere far right?

Talking about dancing and leaving the comfort zone, I would like to quote some interesting paragraph in Dina Zamans book, chapter ‘the wisdom of taxi drivers’

Tun Razak once said ‘I don’t like twist. I like a go-go’

Taxi driver : Wah! Pening kepala kita,apa la menteri ni cakap ni? Crazy! But later we realised it was a metaphor of life. Why must we twist here and there and stay in the same spot? Better do the a-go-go, because we will move forward!

Well Anas, perhaps the next time we dance, it better be a-go-go!

p/s= but we have limited space la wiwi !

The longer I live in this world the more rotten it get. Im getting sick of it each day, well maybe today is the worst…

Starting with a nightmare continues with guilt; worsen with question, ended with blame. Just when thing start to jadi baik sikit,then snap snap everything turned dark. Who to blame? Me? People around me? The environment? Or it’s the too-much free time that im having right now?

I guess I have a mission to complete and question to be answered, but I really didn’t feel like doing it. and that is why im hating every single thing that going on today. I don’t think that I know myself anymore…

What did  I stand for? what did I do to make this rotten world into a better place? Did I contribute anything to anyone? I don’t think so… in other word, if im gone, there is nothing to lose. So why bother to live?

To live with wanting something that you know that will never be yours? To inhale oxygen and decrease the stock in much-polluted-less-tree place? ? ?

Last week,I’ve finished reading this book ‘I’am muslim’ (dina zaman ;silverfish book production) , it makes me question what kind of muslim I’am? I mean I don’t want to be the ‘non practicing one’ or ‘the confuse’ or ‘im muslim.so what?’ no no…I don’t want to be that…islam is  religion yang letakan ilmu as THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. It is not a religion actually,it is ad-deen,or way of life…I know that…but…am I living my day according to sunnah or in the holy book of  quran? Did I view thing with islam as my guide? And so much more…

Did my love to this world have leave me astray? Yes…

Too much thinking about the world cause me this… .

thinking that I’am a muslim and I did not perfecting myself towards better one or contribute anything to ummah make me feel worst than ever.

Again with my question; so why bother to live?

As I writing this, terbaca pulak this article ‘syurga bagi yang lulus ujian’

Al-Sonhadji  berkata ‘Tuhan akan mempekenankan doa-doa orang mukmin yang betul-betul tabah hatinya,teguh pendiriannya menghadapi segala derita kerana menegakkan yang hak,dengan menyegerakan datangnya pertolongan kepada mereka’ and

firman Allah ‘sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu dekat ( asalkan kamu bersabar dan berpegang teguh kepada agama Allah)’

Back to my question ‘so why bother to live?’

I cant die nor give up yet. this is nothing. This guilt, hollow, numbness, etc…I would be the weakest person if I do lost to these wouldn’t i? ‘pertolongan Allah itu dekat asalkan kamu bersabar…’ with that, no I wont give up, I cant give up…

May esok jadi lebih baik dari hari ni… T ganbate! Yosh!

p/s= I do feel much better after tulis this…

        to mama –> im sorry…

short message,

guess whut,i know how to play badminton! (1 of 7 wonders in my world)

felt damn freakin guilty semalam…sorry…

g0sh whuts up wit that avril? gedik cam siot

gtg x cukup duit la…

Before 27 02 07

Goin back home from RSMU sportszal

Whoooooops,tejatuh cam nangka busuk.

Ha ha ha Damn snow!

Licin nak mampos

Fell twice lak tu. Serious sakit.

Ouch! my skin tercabut sket

‘Tu la azmin,basuh baju dasyat sangat!’

Thanks girls that ‘helps alot’

Dammit I’ve lost my handphone AGAIN!

Well, 3 hand phones in 6 months.

Great, jussssssssssst great azmin. . .

Aaaaaaaaaa I cut my finger

Bleeding like heck! Wan!

Help my telekung dah kena darah

Tak pe biar wan basuhkan,solat dlu.

Thanks nad for the plaster. . .

Histology class 4th floor ,

Dasvid danya prof yatskovski!

Damn,dayinah where’s my pashmina?

Urghh . . .im so sick of losing my stuff oredi.

Dun care must go n search for it!

Pheww still there,safe n sound.

0900 class,0730 got to bertolak oredi,

TER bangun lewat,

Argh wheres my pin tudung?!

I got 4-3 non of it left!

So piss off.

27.02.07 msia time

DIEN REZHDENIA IZZTI AZMIN!

Wohoooo Happy birthday!

Call msia,

Mama ‘selamat ari jadi anak mama’

From far along scream ‘tati happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

Wink!

Anas ‘t hjkjkgldktkkg’ ok,he cant talk properly yet,but so sweet!

Online ,

Ym, Angah ‘tati happy birthday!angah ikut timing msia nie’ Wiiiiiiiiiii thanks!

‘angah sure ke, x balik msia summer nie?

Bla bla bla, angah merajuk.sori!

first batch testi 4 the birth whoaaa

tido ,

ting ting ting

27 02 07 moscow time

Reminder,my own birthday,great…

Happy birthday to me,

Message,message,message,

Thnks a bunch

Got biology class,

(how I wish its public holiday today,due to my birthday) Wahahahhahahhahaha never.

Thanks people!

Parcel dah sampai!yeay

Nite,dinner

Yummy fruity tutty cake

Nyam nyam nyam

Wan’s presentation for me..whoaaaa terharu

Tada! My birth card and present from pusshies berpegangan.

Ha ha ha Gosh!damn cute nice pretty awesome Accessorize baby blue bag!

‘for u to keep your stuff so that lepas nie x la hilang barang lagi dah’

Ehehehe

‘Sesungguhnya Allah tidah melihat bentuk badan dan rupa mu,tetapi Langsung melihat niat dan keikhlasan hati mu’ (muslim)

Enal wrote this hadith dekat card,

Very funny, but yeah that’s the fact.spasiba!

1 wee hour,iN my room,

I heard this,

Azmin…….azmin… bangun azmin……

Ada orang duduk dekat kaki katil,

Who? .

.

.

.

. .

. . .

.

Ha ha ha

They try to fool me with this lady green ghost story.

Cover my face with blanket

Thinking how should I act,

Ki ki ki,

The ‘lady green’ keeps on trying waking me up,

Until 1 moment

I guess she fed up alredi,

‘azmin bangunla weh!’

Then I laugh like damn!

‘dayinah dah la tu’

Then them all seriously wanna kill me,

Well, surprise x jadi,

Wahahhahhahhahhahahhahahhahhahahhahahhahha

Thanks for the effort ya ‘seekers team’ ;p!

Tada! Another birthday cake!

Yeay yeay yeay yeay!

And ice cream too!

Nyam nyam nyam!

U girls roxs! Thank u!

Another hadiah from dorlina

I got tongkat sakti cinta!yes!

welcomeeeeeee love!

N,,, My pin tudung!

waaaaaaa nak bunoh fida!

Parcel sampai lagi.. Birthday card lagi!

Ter menagis lak,

From mama,abah,ami,anan,amir,anis,kak gayah,along,n tok too

’Tati x cepat la balik msia,x sabar nak hadiah’

Cis! Tak rindu tati,rindu hadiah je ek?

Aishh Owh cadbry choc msia!

rindu nyerrr

N pen yg sangat banyak!

Sad ending, 18th…

Awesome beggining, 19th!

OH MY GOSH!

damn cold.

its -24 today and tonite maybe -30!

i went to class,dayinah said ‘azmin ur bulu mata BEKU!’

my eyelash was FREEZING!(patut la rasa cam 1 layer oF sumthing white was blocking my view)

i went back home from SINBAD (jalan kaki,bas lambat sangat), hadry said ‘azmin bulu mata ko beku,pipi ko merah!’

great,just great,first my eyelash and now my pipi olso ar?

balik jer bilik,ape lagi,jadik sotong ar melekat kat heater pushkin yang panas telajak tu.

maybe by the tyme i post my next blog,my whole body dah beku.

aduh….

went to The Body Shop luking for tea tree oil.mine,dah abis. n now there just tooooooooo much histamin on my face and i keep on garu and garu sum more. The Body Shop Moscow DONT HAVE TEA TREE OIL DAMMIT!argh i really really cant believe it.serious. dah la kat russia nie, x byk product tea tree. n i just cant use other brand coz there just tooooooooooo much chemical i means x natural substance inside. im not gonna let all those human-made-lab chemical product on my face. noway.so…adoi muka dah gatal. abis la….

owh pastu satu lagi,its ‘novie god’ or (new year in russian ) season now.russian clebrate their new year n xmas 2gther, so they didnt celeb xmas on 25 dec ya. sambong balek citer. its the holiday season. xmas tree everywhere. santa n his assist. everybody are buying hadiah for famliy n friends. u enter metro n u will nampak pak cik n mak cik carrying hadiah for their cucu and stuff.

well thats not the story actually. the thing is,just now i viewed one of my friends page. nampak la gambar kat msia now.(gosh i miss home). the pic was taken in mid valley. well i guess mid is enuff tu picture how msia now. all hypermarkets and malls mesti dah penuh with xmas tree n bla bla. its funny actualy. im in russia and its normal for me to see n experience all these thing. but when look at that picture, seems like msia lagi meriah lak hiasan xmas nyer.

a suppose an islamic country…they said… i dont think so… y msian nak jadik cam europe? we dont celeb xmas. alasan-we are multi racial dont we? ala madinah dulu multi racial gak kan. i means msia sum how sumwhat dah terikut ikut sangat with the western. as if what ever the westerner did are right and good. why do we have to be that way?  u dont have to decorate ur mall with all huge seriously big gigantic xmas tree. fine, u want to decorate it but…tah la… the so called islamic goverment didnt do anything.and im not a prime minister to change stuff. i only able to express myself in this sad blog where no one will read and will never be heard.

after looking at that picture i dont felt secured. im in non muslim country. its hard enough to practice islam here. wearing hijab is an alien thing. theres no place to solat, when we perform our solat people look at us,wried people they might think. but back there in msia we free to practice islam. i take that for granted b4 this… but now im appriciate it. but at this moment i dont know… if msia is becoming more western, the people too in fact,im afraid the same thing will happen in msia. when we were having our usrah my friend read this hadith it sound sumthing like this

‘permulaan kedatangan islam,ia di anggap asing, dan akan datang satu masa di mana ia akan menjadi asing kembali’

i guess dah tak lama dah kan…

when we were having our usrah,wan read this thing…(she took it from some webpage)well,i just felt that i should share it wit everyone olso..

Everyday as I wake up at dawn
My mind starts working the moment I yawn
There were many things to do, o dear!
That’s why I hastily did my Subuh prayer
I didn’t have the time to sit longer to praise the lord
To me rushing out after prayer is nothing odd.

Since school I had been busy every minute
Completing my tutorials and handing it in
My studies took up most of my time always
Minimum time did I have to Allah to pray
Too many things to do, and zikir is rare,
For Allah, I really had no time to spare.

When I grew up and started my degree
Studying all day to secure my future
When I reached home, I prefer to have fun,
I chatted on the phone, on the yahoo messenger,
But I didn’t read much the book of heart, the Quran,
I spent too much time surfing the internet,
Sad to say my  faith was falling flat.

The only time I have left is weekends
During which I prefer window shopping with friends
Or better yet I prefer to sit back and enjoy my cds and dvds
I couldn’t spare time to go to usrahs and daurahs
I’m too BUSY that’s my BIG EXCUSE…

I did my five prayers, but did so quickly,
After prayer, I didn’t sit longer to reflect quietly
I didn’t have time to help the needy ones
I was loaded with works as my precious time runs.

My life was already full of stress,
So I didn’t counsel as Muslim in distress,
I didn’t spent much time with muslims that can advice me,
Because I thought, doing so wont help me much,
It will be just a waste of time.

No time to share, with none Muslim about Islam;
Or even to my other fellow muslims who have rights on me,
Even though I know, inviting causes no harm
No time to do sunnah prayers at all
All this contribute to my iman fall…

I’m busy here, I’m busy there,
I have no time at all, that’s all I care
I went for religious lesson, just once in a while
Well, at least I do some, my nafs whispers,
Coz I’m too busy making a pile.

I worked all day, I slept all night
Too tired for tahajjud, and it seems no right
To me, studying as a living was already tough
So, I only did basic deeds but that’s not enough.

No time at all, to admire God’s creation
No time to praise Allah, and seek His Compassion
Although I know how short is my life,
For Islam, I really didn’t strive.

Finally the day comes, when the Lord calls for me
And I stood before Him with life history
I feel so guilty because I should have prayed more
I should have invited other muslims to Allah cause
I should strive more to learn about my deen,
Isn’t that what a Muslim live for
To thank Allah and do more good deeds
And the Quran is for us to read.

Now, at JUDGMENT DAY, I’m starting to fret,
I wasted my life but it’s too late to regret,
My entry to paradise depend on my good behavior,
But I have not done enough, nor did proper prayer
My “good deed book” is given from my right
An angle opens my “book” and read out my plight.

Then the angle chided me
“O You Muslim servant, you are the one
Who is given enough time, yet not much is done
Do you know your faith is loose?
Saying “no time” is only an excuse.
Your “good deed book” should be filled up more
With all the good work you stood up for…

Hence I only recorded those little good deeds
As I say this, I know your eyes will mist
I was about to write even more, you see…
But I did not have the TIME to list”…

~ i wish i have done more~