my crap….izzit?

So,its 30 july, hari pahlawan in Malaysia. A special day dedicates to celebrate and appreciate the vast contribution of our national heroes and heroines. Wink!J

sekarang kan sudah aman damai,hidup sejahtera, tenang…penting lagi ke hari pahlawan ni?Obviously I haven’t read enough historical material or follow anything that got to do with our Angkatan Tentera Malaysia (oh, im just a good-for-nothing civilian anyway…) to actually feel the spirit like those in militaries, tok penghulus ,perjuang kemerdekaans.

Hey, I do read famous yet controversial book by our former Prime Minister Dr Mahathir ‘the Malay dilemmas’ (still reading) worth reading. Walaupun baru baca beberapa bab,well 5 chapter I think, tapi the thoughts, the politics, the dilemmas and of course the awareness sangat hebat! I mean, untuk orang yang tak baca sangat historical books but able to ‘feel’ the spirit (walaupun tak lah banyak mana,tapi ada la..).

Back to the topic, pahlawan is hero. Izzit? Dalam bahasa Melayu (did you know that before this its bahasa Melayu lepas tu tukar Bahasa Malaysia dan baru-baru nie, tukar balik jadi Bahasa Melayu )perkataan ‘pahlawan’  lebih merujuk kepada orang yang pergi berperang or… I should refer to Kamus dewan edisi ketiga but I can’t find it anywhere, well maybe I’ll ask mama tomorrow. Tapi tu la, for me pahlawan nie macam tu la.

In english, the word ‘hero’ refer to someone who save something big to someone else. Tak la specific kena pergi perang baru boleh gelar hero. It’s like, if someone make me feel good during my ’jiwa kacau’ period, he or she is my hero. Tapi adakah dia boleh digelar pahlawan?

Oh…u’r my hero…

Oh…ko pahlawan ak…(doesn’t sound right eh?)

Masa tengah tulis ni,its almost 2am already, tertengok pulak iklan dekat TV3. A girl who wanted to be part of the army but was then laughed by bunch of boys telling her that a girl should stay and home and cook. Turn out, that girl dah jadi tentera and one of the boys who laugh at her before, jadi tukang sapu. He he he funny.‘semoga ia masih membara’ or something near to that, I got to say, its membara tapi you know, macam bara yang lepas barbeque, dah nak padam…who to blame? The peace? Me?

Tapi bila pikir balik,kenapa la nak jadi negative sangat. Why ’macam bara yang lepas barbeque’? why not ’macam bara masa awal-awal nak barbeque,sejuk lagi, datang masa membara jugak akhirnya,kindda slow but sure’ J

Now,Are we taking a good care of our pahlawan?

Kes helicopter Nuri contohnya, before this dah banyak kes, but no action was taken. Well ok, ajal maut di tangan tuhan, but I just wonder, once this case jadi, what did they do to prevent it?

Remember the case yang driver lori I think, tengah minum kopi elok-elok, tiba-tiba serpihan bom from nearby practice kena,causing him forever lost of his hand!

And today, about pemotong rumput yang tengah well,of course potong rumput dekat padang tempur tentera darat terkena serpihan bom from the practice,and died.

Before practice don’t they have any radar or infra red or what so ever gadget to detect if there any creature call homosapien,so that they can warn them to clear out the place. Did they do proper calculation about the possible effect from their boms?

My oh my I hope I wont be arrested after this like other bloggers.

Whatever it is, takziah and salute for these people for their contribution.lagi baik macam nie dari pergi edar dadah,mencuri. Tabik!

Harap-harap lepas nie diorang tingkatkan tahap keselamatan,not only to their beloved officer but also to this orang-orang biasa. They have mouth to feed too don’t they?

Selamat hari pahlawan. Dedicated to all heroes out there and especially for those working in ATM,Police,Bomba,JPA3 or will be working or wish to work with them. Thank you for protecting me, my family, peoples I love, everyone. Spasiba vham! 

This evening my sister,anas and me were watching a very innocent Indonesian film. About a girl named Rena,Hamadi, and Om Yugda, I don’t know the title. Just check out the intisari rancangan, RTM 1, around 2pm till 4.30pm if I’m not mistaken.

Innocent kids, beautiful countryside, green paddy field, well, pretty much like my childhood days. Last night mom kemaskan almari, jadi semua simpanan buku dan kertas yang mengunung banyaknya bersepah atas lantai. Then I spotted my form 4 history file. So I sat there and explored for more. I found almost everything!

My autograph book masa tengah primary school dekat Saint Nicholas Convent. That time, whenever people gave you autograph book, you will wrote things like ‘forget me not’, ‘you are so lucky’ ‘friends forever’, then  hobby ; collecting stamps, singing, reading, and bla bla bla ! Not to forget, about ‘senyum dulu baru buka’.

Ala you know, when you fold the edge of the page jadi bentuk segi tiga kecil dan tulis benda macam ‘happy always’ and you will decorate it as creative as you can, but people usually warnakan bahagian tepi,lepas tu rub it with your thumb so that we will have the shading result.   

Then I found my test pad and some papers masa tengah lower form in Convent. My oh my, I wrote almost about everything. What happened today, how I feel, the note-of-rage, the tati-ganbate-notes , ha ha ha. Great! Now I know how do I do back then masa 11.3.2003. Ah and there were beginner sketches also. From anime to landscape, most of it was anime, I’m telling you its ugly, but when I was in form 3, I think those were my best artwork!

My examination question papers, answer papers, marks, essay, resume, folio, and more artwork! I found the whole file loaded with paintings! (My art teacher in MRSM, Miss Julianahasnizah was a witch! She made us spent our precious time for art more then for add math but I really love her!) Consist of artwork using all kind of media, pencil, charcoal, water colour, Soft pastel, oil paint, crayon, and ‘lino’. Oh dan juga lukisan bertajuk ‘kampung nelayan’ for my SPM. Im so happy! Wink!

Diari yang ditulis pada waktu awal tahun sahaja, debate flash card,journal, article, buku nota, handouts, lyrics (use to wrote it pada suatu masa dahulu…) keratan akhbar pasal astronomi (dulu masa darjah 6,teringin nak kerja dengan NASA) dan yang lain tu semua moms book.

How time flies…

Some people come to our lives and quickly go,

some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our heart

And we will never be the same

Tanya Cuva

But Allah is always there with you eh?

That will never change…

Good evening. What a day…last night I have the worst headache, maybe due to the improper sleep the night before. Why?

1. I was traveling from kota baru to alor star at night, where the bus stopped at almost every district in the state (ok not all, but most of it) and they kept on turning the lights on.

2. Since it was about 10.00 at night and I will only be arriving at 5.oo in the morning, means… pada saat  malam yang amat gelap gelita dan sunyi aku masih berada di luar rumah…he he he

3. There is no highway from kelantan to alor star, so we have to use jalan lama dan melalui gerik,jeli,dan jalan raya yang amat bengkang bengkok dan  dikelilingi hutan yang betul betul hutan.

4. Actually what im trying to say is due to both condition dekat number 2 and 3, I was thinking, if I stay awake like the driver ,sepanjang perjalanan, you know…maybe kalau nasib baik or maybe ‘nasib tak baik’ , boleh la witness you know… those ‘thing’…It seems like cool thou.

And that’s why I didn’t get proper sleep. (I did not plan to sleep, but bila dah nak dekat sampai, tertidur pula…)

Hasilnya kecewa dan pening kepala.

P/s = nothing weird happened, just smooth journey back home. Sigh… oops mistake, Allhamdullilah.   

Today,in a car,on the way nak pergi tempah baju (mom was driving of course) I don’t remember macam mana this topic come out, but we were talking about jodoh.

Mom :bla bla bla ….Jodoh tu kena cari.

Me  : so ma,kena ke ada boyfriend nie? .

Mom : kena la,sekarang bukan macam dulu,orang datang minang dekat rumah.

Me : then,tati kena ada boyfriend la? But ma…

Mom :ha ha ha..kawan ma,kawin dah 3 anak then…bla bla bla

Later, amik anan from school, we talk about hot.fm issue this morning about

the girls nowdays ‘gatal’ equal to the guys VS the guys ‘gatal’ than the girls.

The responds was quite surprising for me. You know I been living in my world and people around me live in a world well, quite the same as mine, so it is very interesting knowing about others world and their experience thou. So we were discussing about it …

Me : what la that girl, dah tau suka dekat orang lain then apsal she get married ngan   husband dia?

Mom : ala perempuan tu nak seronok ja.cinta dia kat suami dia ja,tapi ya la tak cukup satu.

Family living room.eating cucur cempedak( cempedak kak Ai Ling bagi. Man her son was so kawaii!) and watching ‘beauty secret from the east’. They feature about a spa somewhere in

Bali

.

Me: one day I will have this whole-day-spa-treatment la

Sist : ah macam orang yang nak kawin

kan

, they do all this…

Me : ah a

Sist : ishyy tak sabar nak kawin

Me : hang nak kawin sebab tu je ke?

In bloddy-red-but-nice bedroom.

funny…

just now my sist who was planning to sleep early today ( which until now she still doesn’t show any sign to sleep) tiba-tiba menyanyi

sayangku aku merindui mu..

bila kita boleh kawin..la la la

ha ha ha ha!

It is funny how a trisomy 21 child can make your day. Walking forward and ask you to dance with him, thou he doesn’t really know how to move and all, but the effort was there. How cute! That is the major different between him with other so-called macho guy I know. See thru; that what he is.    

As a normal human beings, we tend to think about the consequent of our action, the pro and cons. what will they think about me? Will they like it? Will I embarrass myself? Im not saying it is bad or what so ever, we need it very much indeed. But sometime wouldn’t it be good if we just let loose for while? Make fun of ourselves.

Oh I miss my childhood moments. If I didn’t leave the comfort zone of mine, I will never go anywhere far right?

Talking about dancing and leaving the comfort zone, I would like to quote some interesting paragraph in Dina Zamans book, chapter ‘the wisdom of taxi drivers’

Tun Razak once said ‘I don’t like twist. I like a go-go’

Taxi driver : Wah! Pening kepala kita,apa la menteri ni cakap ni? Crazy! But later we realised it was a metaphor of life. Why must we twist here and there and stay in the same spot? Better do the a-go-go, because we will move forward!

Well Anas, perhaps the next time we dance, it better be a-go-go!

p/s= but we have limited space la wiwi !

The longer I live in this world the more rotten it get. Im getting sick of it each day, well maybe today is the worst…

Starting with a nightmare continues with guilt; worsen with question, ended with blame. Just when thing start to jadi baik sikit,then snap snap everything turned dark. Who to blame? Me? People around me? The environment? Or it’s the too-much free time that im having right now?

I guess I have a mission to complete and question to be answered, but I really didn’t feel like doing it. and that is why im hating every single thing that going on today. I don’t think that I know myself anymore…

What did  I stand for? what did I do to make this rotten world into a better place? Did I contribute anything to anyone? I don’t think so… in other word, if im gone, there is nothing to lose. So why bother to live?

To live with wanting something that you know that will never be yours? To inhale oxygen and decrease the stock in much-polluted-less-tree place? ? ?

Last week,I’ve finished reading this book ‘I’am muslim’ (dina zaman ;silverfish book production) , it makes me question what kind of muslim I’am? I mean I don’t want to be the ‘non practicing one’ or ‘the confuse’ or ‘im muslim.so what?’ no no…I don’t want to be that…islam is  religion yang letakan ilmu as THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. It is not a religion actually,it is ad-deen,or way of life…I know that…but…am I living my day according to sunnah or in the holy book of  quran? Did I view thing with islam as my guide? And so much more…

Did my love to this world have leave me astray? Yes…

Too much thinking about the world cause me this… .

thinking that I’am a muslim and I did not perfecting myself towards better one or contribute anything to ummah make me feel worst than ever.

Again with my question; so why bother to live?

As I writing this, terbaca pulak this article ‘syurga bagi yang lulus ujian’

Al-Sonhadji  berkata ‘Tuhan akan mempekenankan doa-doa orang mukmin yang betul-betul tabah hatinya,teguh pendiriannya menghadapi segala derita kerana menegakkan yang hak,dengan menyegerakan datangnya pertolongan kepada mereka’ and

firman Allah ‘sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu dekat ( asalkan kamu bersabar dan berpegang teguh kepada agama Allah)’

Back to my question ‘so why bother to live?’

I cant die nor give up yet. this is nothing. This guilt, hollow, numbness, etc…I would be the weakest person if I do lost to these wouldn’t i? ‘pertolongan Allah itu dekat asalkan kamu bersabar…’ with that, no I wont give up, I cant give up…

May esok jadi lebih baik dari hari ni… T ganbate! Yosh!

p/s= I do feel much better after tulis this…

        to mama –> im sorry…