my crap….izzit?

todAY.tah la aku rasa jiwa kacau sangat.lots of thing i been thinking bout.this and that.what to do next and what have i done.bla bla bla.i just dont get it sometime… i think i’ve changed into a person who i really hate.it scares me to death. but nah its happening. i cant stop myself. its like u dont even realize it but then when you think back on what have you previously done u’ll be like, ‘ gosh what have i done?!’.

am i the same azmin in mjsc? the same izzati in convent? the same tati for my parents and friend? i dont know. i’ve change a lot. well of course you can avoid or run from changes. everyone change anyway. changes are something that will and must happen in everyones life rite. but the bad thing is im turning into the person who i dont want to be. well not fully but more to. not all but there are just some aspect in me that i dont think it was there before….aiiii….

this afternoon. ‘jiwa kacau’. as usual when you feel bad the first person to turn to is…….hint-not your boyfriend kay!…….hint 2-ur parents?they are at 2nd place..ok ok the answer is ur god. MY GOD. i once heard this sister in surau said if you got prob just turn to Him. you can share anything with Him. i know bout that but i dont really apply it until recently. back to the story, jiwa kacau,so i took my wuduk n peform my prayer and doa. i tell Him EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! (theres nothing i can hide from Him anway). dan yeah…it felt so good. lega. its like a million million ton of burden had been removed from you head. talk to Him. you might not hear his respon, but you can feel it. some people might say, how can you relay on something that you cant get black and white answer or solution. yes. memang la when you doa, you cant hear Allah cakap buat tu buat ni. but you will just know it. you will just know what to do next. tetibe jer ilham pops up in ur head. thats how Allah solve your problem.

kalo cakap kat pakwe blum tentu diorang bleh slesaikan. die pon busy ngan prob dier. kang klu citer prob bodo bodo dier cakap ‘huk ala bende simple pikir le sndiri.benda tu pon jadik masalah ker?’ he might said that. but you can talk anything to you god. benda sebodo mana pon. se simple mana pon you can tell and HE will never merungut like human does. kewl eh?

aii melalut lagi.back to my afternoon story. so i tell Him my problem this and that. how i feel. how happy, how sad, how heart broken, how regret, how scared, and so on. during my doa, i mention bout hope i hope ‘this thing’ could happen. how i want it badly…and fews hour later TADAA! got it! its like wow! i cant believe it. just one simple doa and i got it. thats how mercifull and generous Allah are. He can do anything. he can change human heart and let my wish come true. i cant say more about it. in fact in embaressed of myself. He gave me everything but i do very little to him. shame on me i know…..

so now i’m happy. cant tell what i wish for..to personal..hehehehe between me and Him only ya..but the point is i get what i want..the sister in surau was right..syukur..=). my doa was not in arabic. i have to admitt,im bad in arabic. i talk to Him in my language. just talk and let go and tell what ever i felt inside…i love HIM! try it! izzati azmin.chiow~~~~~~~~~~

Are you proud of your hijab?

I had been thinking a lot. I’m searching for the truth. Seeking answers for my questions. There just too much questions lingering in my mind. I live my life just like you.Wake up in the morning, went to school, hang out with friend, chat with family, struggles for my studies and sleep

Somehow I felt the emptiness inside of me. There a space inside me that is hollow, waiting to be filled. I just felt so incomplete. Boyfriend? Beauty? Victory? Could a guy who I called my boyfriend can give me the serenity that I need?? How can I be so sure that he will always love me, and the love will never turned to someone else? If I was being blessed with all kind of beauty in this world, will I feel happy? Will people like me for who I ‘am, or for the beauty? If  I was blessed with victory in every thing I’m aiming for, will I ever satisfied? No it wont.

Then I realize that im a muslim. Well of course I know all along that I’m a muslim but am’I really a true muslim? No. it’s sad. Yes it really sad.

I live my live as a human instead of muslim. I do what a human should do but not what a muslim ought to do. Yeah yeah  go ahead and laugh. It may sounds funny or so called ‘poyo’ to you but to me I could not asked for more then this. I notice that what’s the point of being a muslim if you cant even feel the beauty in it? For example ,why are you wearing your hijab? Because your mom wants you to do so? Because the rules of your school? Because your friend are wearing it? Or because you just sick of people who keep on asking why aren’t you wearing your hijab?

At first I was like most of you. My mom wants me to wear it. She said it is more appropriate for a muslim woman to wear their hijab. She also said something about aurat and all. When I was in primary school I was wearing hijab because I don’t want to disobey my mom.

When I went to secondary school I wore hijab because I have no problem with having a scarf covering my whole head. In secondary school I was an early teenager. A youth who looking for her personality. Looking for what kind of person she wanted to be sees. When I’m in school and family I was wearing my hijab. No problem. When I hang out with my friend and went to this so called high class or super-cool place where most of people are not wearing hijab. I became ashamed with my hijab. They are wearing with their beautiful, fashionable and stylish clothes while I was wearing this out-dated outfit with hijab! I felt like I can’t fit in. The way they look at me makes me felt like I’m just a girl who come from ‘kampung’. Too eager to be accepted by the society, I blame my self, blame my hijab. (I know I sound like such a bad person in this). Seriously this was what I felt back then. When I think again, I’m a convent girl, I live in the city all my life, I have friends from all races, I can speak both Malay and English very well, I have it all.I don’t have to give a damn to these kinds of people. I know who I’ am and that is the most important thing.

Now when I entered higher level institution I need more reason on why am’I wearing hijab. I’m now a older and more mature girl anyway. I’m questioning more and more. This time I’am no longer ashamed of my hijab but I keep on questioning on the relevance of hijab in nowdays life.

‘Why do we need hijab?’

‘ Now that I’am older, I can decide for myself.’

‘With hijab I cant wear this latest trend clothes,so why bother wearing it?’

‘ I cant wear skirt with hijab, but I looks great in skirts!’.

‘ I don’t think I cant attract guys with my hijab on.’

‘ I have such a beautiful hair, if I wear hijab people cant see this beautiful hair!’

Well those are some question on the relevance of hijab. 

I have question and I demand for answer! Am’ I expecting some answer to fall down from the skies? No. you could never expect a result if there was no work to gain it. So I search.

I was astonished with the benefits and ‘hikmah’ of a hijab. I was ashamed with myself for having such a thought on hijab. I was ashamed for blaming the hijab instead of myself. I was ashamed for not learning more about Islam. I was ashamed for being such a lousy muslimah. I begged for my god forgiveness. I’m such a weak servant. How can I be so blind? I guess all those western provocations had successfully set a new mind setting in my head and prevent me from realizing the truth.

Hijab is never out dated. It should never be an issue. But since my mind or maybe your mind had been set with western point of view, we think it’s out-dated. you turn on the TV   you will watch a girl with Jennifer Aniston long blond hair, Victoria short black hair, Marion Raven curly brunet, Paris Hilton Barbie’s hair and etc. Have you watched or heard about a girl with hijab? With capital N.O! so,that’s explain why we think it is out dated. The truth is we had been provoked with what kind of look we should look like. I’m not anti western or what ever. In fact I watched and listen to western movies and music more than local. The god had created us with brain. You can think what’s right and what’s wrong. Not everything from the west are good thou. We think it looks nice on us because our friend said so. Our friend said so because the writer in ‘Cleo’ ‘FHM’ or’ seventeen’ said so. The writers come from? Uh well of course, The West. The west is good but in term of cloth some of it is nice like the cute flattish which my sister are crazed with, but some of it is too much like hot pants in summer hot day? Do you want to burn your legs? Or shiver to death when you wore it to you cold full air-conditioned class? Do you get what I meant?

          Allah had created Adam and Eve. He had created the love between these genders so that they will marry one another. Every human in this world have their own partner. Islam asked you to covered your head so that only your partner which is you husband could see your real beauty, your beautiful long black hair. Your husband is the most important person to you. A person, who you will love for the rest of your life insyallah. Wasn’t it a great gift of love to your husband? In this world he is the only man (who are not muhrim to you) the only guy who have chance to see your hair. It sounds awesome isn’t it? If you really love him then do wear hijab. Protects it till the time arrives.